If It Was up to Me
by sabaku-no-ketsueki
Summary: As Sasuke prepares to leave the village to seek out Orochimaru, he meets Sakura on the way out. But what were Sasuke's thoughts during the encounter? SasuSaku, Sasuke's POV.


_**Well, another one-shot to add the vault of randomness. I needed to get this down so I could continue my other stories….well, story, at the moment.**_

_**Maybe you're wondering why I did this. Well, it's simple. Although I really don't like Sasuke—ok, understatement, I can't stand him—he's one of those characters that make you wonder, "What's he thinking?????" You never really see Sasuke's feelings towards anyone (other than Naruto), so I thought, hell; let's take a trip into the inner workings of Sasuke's mind!**_

_**So, here it is; episode 109, Sasuke's POV. This is to all the SasuSaku fans out there! Sorry, KK! I know you don't like this paring, but you'll live! Hehe XD**_

_**Disclaimer: **__**Ok, I use a lot of direct quotes from the actual episode 109 of Naruto, subbed and dubbed, so a lot of the dialogue isn't mine. Also, the characters aren't mine. Even the quote at the top isn't mine! It's from the book City of Bones, by Cassandra Clare. That's where I found it, and it seemed to fit, but the quote isn't from the book…..it's from a quote in the book from a different passage. Wow, confusing, but I don't want to get sued! Hope you understand!**_

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If It Was up to Me

_I sung of Chaos and eternal Night_

_Taught by the heav'nly Muse to venture down_

_The dark descent, and up to reascend…_

_-__John Milton, __Paradise Lost_

The curtains were open, letting the moonlight flood the small room. Despite the light, the room looked cold and empty. The floor was bare, the closet cleared out, the bed with its lonely sheets. I shrugged by bag on my shoulders, and looked around slowly. It was still a somber moment, even if it did feel good to get out. It was almost sad to see it this way—after all, it had been my home.

There was only one thing left holding me back. It caught my eye as I walked by the desk; our first team picture. We were all there: Naruto, Kakashi, Sakura. I looked closely at the way Naruto and I glared at each other. Thinking back now, I realized how trivial it all was. I didn't want to become close to any of them, but it's not like it was in my control; it just happened.

But the stakes were higher now.

I knew what I had to do if I ever saw him again.

I put my hand on the top of the frame, given to me by Sakura, ironically. _Here Sasuke-kun! For your picture! _I never meant to frame it; but something about the look on her face made me sigh and take it.

Now it was only a reminder of things better left in the past. I placed the photo face down on the table, as if that somehow cut the bonds I had unconsciously made.

I stepped out, closing the door behind me, not bothering to lock it. There was nothing left to steal but the past and empty memories.

But maybe they weren't so empty.

The evening was cool. There was a fresh breeze blowing through the streets; I shivered involuntarily. I looked up at the sky, and was greeted with the light of a full moon. It felt weird not to have my headband on; it was tucked away in my pack. I don't know why I still had it. It would only be a burden. Where I was going, I didn't plan on needing it.

I walked down the all too familiar streets, hopefully for the last time. I went by the academy, past the Hokage faces. They seemed to glare at me, almost disapproving in my decision.

I was on the stone path that led to the village exit when I saw her.

She watched me come towards her. I saw her glance at the bag I carried, and her face light up with understanding. Eyes wide, she stared at the pack, and it looked like she was expecting me to say, _yeah, I'm just kidding_.

I stopped by the bench and met her eyes. "What are you doing, wandering around here at night?"

She looked down. "This is the only road out of the village," she said softly.

I started to walk again; ignoring the kick in adrenaline I had begun feeling at the sight of her. "You should go to bed," I said, careful to keep my eyes off her face this time.

I moved slowly down the road, and I heard her speak behind me.

"Why?" she said, her voice shaking. "Why won't you ever tell me anything? Why do you always stay silent? Why won't you say anything—?"

This made me stop. "Why should I have to tell _you _anything?" I snapped. "It's none of your business." I felt like I was five years old, saying that. "Stop concerning yourself with what I do." In a way, that's exactly what I wanted her to do. I wanted her to stay away, to stop trying to be a part of my life, even if I wanted her to be.

I kept telling myself I didn't want her, so she wouldn't get hurt.

And I knew I had given the right impression, because just then she said, "I know you hate me."

I tried to keep my face expressionless. It shouldn't have been any trouble; after all, haven't I been doing that for most of my life? But each day on that damn team—each day with _her_—was making it harder.

But she was talking about our first day we made Genin. "We were alone here, and you got mad at me, remember?"

She paused, waiting for me to say something. "I don't remember," I replied flatly.

She was silent, but then she laughed, and it surprised me. "Makes sense. It happened so long ago."

But I did remember. I remembered it very well. I had let my anger get the best of me, but her comments about Naruto had really hit home with me. In a way, I had vented a lot of my pain to her that day. But the less I thought about this place, the better.

"But that's the day it all started. You and I…..and Naruto and Kakashi-sensei," she added. "We did a lot of work together, and it was tough at times, but mostly…"I heard the smile in her voice. "It was fun!"

I guess it was a different way of looking at things, but I never expected her to say that risking out lives on a daily basis for a small amount of money that goes directly to the Hokage was _fun_.

She sighed. "I know about your clan," she said. I stiffened. "But seeking revenge….it won't make you happy. It won't make anyone happy." As if responding to the mood, the clouds drifted over the moon, blacking out our only source of light.

I knew she was right. She and Kakashi both. I wouldn't be happy, even with Itachi dead. But I would rather live an empty life than a life full of anger, hatred, and above all, fear.

Fear of death.

Fear of life.

Fear of love.

"Just as I thought," I said. She looked at me, even with my back to her; I could feel her eyes on me. "I'm not the same as you. I walk a different path." It sounded even more cliché when I said it out loud, but it was true. "The four of us have been together for a while, and I thought it could stay that way. But in the end, I can't follow you. My path…." I sighed. "Is revenge. It's why I'm alive. It's my purpose."

"So do you choose to be alone again?" she cried out. "You told me that day how painful solitude is. I...I understand how much that hurts now."

How could she? It wasn't the same. _We _weren't the same. We never would be.

"I have a family, and friends, but if you were gone, it would mean the same thing for me as being all alone."

I could tell she was crying now. I thought of our team, our missions, and how easy it was to just turn around.

But it was too late now.

"This is a new beginning for each of us," I said to myself more than to her. "We each have a new path lying before us."

She came a little closer. "Sasuke-kun," she called. "I love you so much!"

I struggled to keep my emotions in check. It helped that my back was turned to her, so she didn't see the shock that I was sure momentarily crossed my face.

"If you would only be with me, I swear I'd never let you regret it! Every day would be a joy! I can _give _you happiness! I'll do anything for you! So please…..don't walk away!"

She had no idea how appealing the idea was. But I knew what was ahead, and I knew, as long as I was filled with this hatred, I could never make her happy.

"I'll even help you get your revenge! I'll do whatever it takes, so please…."she broke off. "Just stay here, with me.

"And if you can't…..then take me with you."

My emotions kicked into overdrive. I had always tried to avoid this, these stupid _feelings_. They just got in the way. I knew it wasn't safe to feel so strongly about her. But there was no way in hell I was bringing her with me. I needed to do this alone. I couldn't afford to worry about anyone. But the main reason was that I would never stop hating myself if she got hurt.

All of this in a split second, and I didn't know how to react. But only for a second.

I finally turned to face her, to gaze into her tear streaked face. I smirked. "You haven't changed," I said mockingly. "You're still annoying."

I knew that would hurt. After all, it had been the first real comment I ever made to her. She just stared at me, too taken aback to say anything. That was dirty, and I knew it. But I also knew that I wasn't coming back. I knew there was a good chance I'd never see her again. Hell, I might even be dead by the end of all this. I wasn't good for her, and now she had to realize that.

I wanted it hurt, and I succeeded. Her eyes were a mixture of surprise and pain. I wanted it to hurt so much that she would hate me, despise me, forget me. I was never coming back, and she needed to let me go.

And I had to do same with her.

I finally turned to leave, and she shouted, "Don't go!" I heard her run towards me. "If you do, I'll scream, and –"

I couldn't stand the pain in her voice. In a second, I was behind her, and she stopped in mid sentence. I noticed the clouds had parted, and the moon was back. Her hair glowed in the light, and flew with the wind. I liked it better short.

It took everything I had to resist the urge to drop my bag and tell her I was staying. To wrap my arms around her, to comfort her. I felt two parts of myself warring with each; the loud, angry one who wanted nothing but Itachi's blood, and the softer one, who only wanted to be with her.

We stood like that for what seemed like an eternity.

"Sakura," I finally said. I allowed my face to slip into a small smile.

"Thank you for everything."

I heard her gasp softly in surprise. But I was leaving, and standing here with her wasn't making it any easier.

My hand made contact with her head; I never felt so rotten in my life.

I caught her before she hit the ground, carried her to the bench, and set her down gently. Her tears were still wet on her face. I brushed the hair out of her face, and ran my hand down her cheek.

And then I broke every promise I'd ever made to myself. I let my guard down in so many ways; emotional, physical, and whatever was left after. I allowed the sadness to flood my face, and the fresh pain I never knew was there to rip at my heart.

It took me a long time to compose myself again. I breathed in shakily, then turned and left her there, unconscious on a bench.

I felt like the lowest human being alive.

But I had to do it. I made a new promise just then, a good one to go along with all the lies and crap I had told myself; if I was still alive at the end of all this shit, I'd see her again. Though I knew I would never be able to actually enter the village, I'd stand on the outskirts until she saw me, until she came to see me. Someday.

I walked out of the village and up the hill to the four awaiting figures. To my surprise, they all knelt down as I came.

"Orochimaru-sama told us to accompany you to his home," one of them said—what was his name? The two-headed freak—"We are at your service."

I walked right by them. "Whatever." I couldn't have cared less.

They stood, and I turned back to the village. It didn't hit me until now just how much I was leaving behind. It was so easy here, almost comfortable. I was leaving that for a much darker path.

But the idea of power was impossible to resist.

Was the risk really worth the reward? I knew I would ask myself this the entire time. I was gaining power, true, but I was leaving behind my life, my friends, everything I had ever known. Kakashi, Naruto, _Sakura_—it was then I saw the greatest loss.

_Someday, _I thought.

"Let's go," I said to my new team.

With that, I turned my back on my past, and headed towards my future.

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**Reviews Appreciated! This was kind of risky to write, so I want your feedback! Did you like it? Did it suck? Please tell me! Thanks!**

_**SNK**_


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